Ask Joan Crawford! Wire hangers

Due to the abbreviated schedule next week, we are answering your letters early. Today's mailbag contains a query from Mari Q. Contrary of the Oneida Community, who asks:

Dear Joan,

I'm short on hangers, wire ones to be specific. Got any handy? I know you're a wealthy movie star and all so I thought that it couldn't hurt to ask.

Sincerely,
Mari Q. Contrary

ROLF. No! No wire hangers anymore. And no, I take no offense at the question. I saw the movie also (chuckles).

Once you are dead and your life story moves into the public domain, there's little that can be done to guard against the inevitable misinformation that leaks out. My lawyers tried to convince me to trademark my life story, but I didn't listen. Still, you would have thought they would have at least sent me the script ahead of time, so that I could have culled out the inaccuracies (such as that apocryphal scene).

Christina might have had some valid complaints against my behavior as a mother. The book, I admit, hurt me when I read it. However, by the time the movie came out, the myth of "movie star turned Atilla" had already garnered a certain kitsch cachet, and the resultant movie production (released in 1981) was glossed by a growing devolution of American culture. I am happy that I, albeit posthumously, participated in the deconstruction of yet another myth generated by American capital, that of "actress as icon." The quite unintended result was a total recasting of my life and career from this accidental cinematic bookend.

Marx states that capital will always create its own mythology, but as capitalism begins its terminal decline, one of the results (including a shifting of the means of production to militarism, to protect the artificial state) is that the myth will cease to hold power over the masses. Those who are "early adopters" of the new emerging communist state will take up the banner, as Faye Dunaway so artfully did in her distorted biopic.

Joan

Bush Continues to Lead Osama in Latest Poll

by Velvet Elvis

A Defense of Dada telephone poll conducted this week shows that President George Bush continues to lead Osama bin Laden by at least 3 percentage points.

When Ralph Nader is excluded from the results, his advantage grows to 4 percentage points.

The poll was conducted from a random sample of Verizon cell phone users.

Defense of Dada conducted the poll after the Swiftboat Veterans for Truth said that "A vote for John Kerry is really a vote for bin Laden." Sample polls pitting Kerry against Bush showed Kerry with a slight lead among voters most likely to vote on election day. Republicans and Fox News protested these results, arguing that they were not truly representative of the electorate's wishes. "If people truly knew the real John Kerry, they wouldn't vote for him," stated Foghorn Leghorn. So, the poll has been adjusted to provide more representative results.

Sample poll questions included:

"Who would you trust most with conducting a religious war under the guise of discredited political and economic policies?"
Bush: 60%
bin Laden: 38%

"Who would most likely revive the opium trade in Afghanistan's Northern Territories by allowing the local warlords free reign?"
Bush: 65%
bin Laden: 33%

Bin Laden did lead in one area--accessibility to the media. He has released more statements to the media in the form of edicts and audio tapes than Bush has conducted news conferences.

The poll had a margin of error of plus or minus 1 percent.

Sex Pistols Middle Eastern Tour Begins in Baghdad

by Velvet Elvis
embedded with the 101st.

Kicking off their "Anarchy In The Middle East" tour, a revamped Sex Pistols played a standing-room-only stadium concert inside the Green Zone in Baghdad last night. The group even stayed for two unheard-of encores, tearing through incendiary versions of "Einmal War Belsen Wirflich Bortrefflich (Belsen Vos a Gassa)" and "No One Is Innocent."

When asked why the Sex Pistols chose the launch their new tour here, Johnny Rotten spat, "The 'ole f#&king world is going down the toilet, an' it's beginnin' right 'ere. We want to be part of 'istory."

Such a concert in Baghdad would have been impossible two years ago, Rotten added, crediting President Bush with bringing democracy to the 15-block walled area inside of Baghdad.

There were glitches. Electrical power to the area failed twice, brownouts were common, and what was initially thought as pyrotechnics gone awry turned out to be blowback from Apache attack helicopters, bombing targets in nearby Sadr City.

Further problems developed after the concert when guitarist Steve Jones discovered Arabic script written in lipstick from a prostitute on his dressing room mirror. Two hours later, a translator was finally located, who interpreted the writing as, "Death to British and American Imperialist Dogs." A cultural liaison was later brought in to explain that the message was probably a request to leave the country.

I asked Rotten what future plans the Pistols had. "We want to spread our Anarchy through the f#&king area," he said. "We will follow it wherever it goes."

When asked where the Pistols are going next, Rotten replied:

"Iran."

Mainstreaming the Absurd--A 2004 Election Report

By Velvet Elvis
via LifeFlight from Atlantic City
September 25, 2004

Of special interest to the Dada-Anarchist community has been the degree to which absurdism has been co-opted by the so-called "527" organizations, such as the Swift Boat gang and other similar voices, and even by the official campaigns themselves.

Just the other day, President Bush argued that he "wanted to work together to pursue court action to shut down all the ads and activity by these shadowy 527 groups."

It was alleged that Barbara Bush was on hand with flash cards with the number "527" circled in red.

Absurdist-friendly organizations were quick to respond. "As performance art, the President's policies have provided valuable exposure to the struggling absurdist community, as well as a public platform for our views," says Nathan Bongwater. "However, we are concerned that with this constant exposure, behavior that was once regarded as absurd is becoming dangerously mainstream."

Witness the recent hullabaloo over Cindy Crawford's donning of a chinchilla coat purchased on layaway at Wal-Mart. "This is absurd," argued PETA. "Just ten years ago, she took her clothes off for us. We have only the President to blame for this."

Colin Powell was in Key West and was unavailable for comment.

Dick Cheney, in a speech before the Wrestlers Convention in Pughkeepsie, sought to appease absurdists by arguing that "there is more than enough absurdity" to fill another four years, and pointed to an increase in ozone levels over the Antarctic as proof that the President's policies were working.

Senator Kerry, also seeking to align himself with the absurdist community, quickly responded by arguing that "another four years" of the Bush administration would result in the "death of Dada. There will simply be nothing left to ridicule."

Ask Joan Crawford--George Orwell: Trotskyite reactionary or subversive Fifth Columnist?

Today is mailbag day, where we answer your reader queries. Today's first letter comes from Confused, in Dull Tennessee, who writes:


Dear Joan Crawford,

Last year, our uncle died. Along with his tweed smoking jackets and a wooden duck collection, he bequeathed several rental properties and a box full of vintage copies of the Lityurnaya Gazetta, the Soviet literary magazine. Having a special interest in literary criticism, I was ecstatic. My pleasure turned to dismay, however, when I turned to an article by Mendle Ledbedev in the June, 1951 issue that said, "George Orwell, once a comrade in the struggle against imperialist aggression, betrayed the cause with his anti-utopian reactionary screeds, 1984 and Animal Farm, where he aligned himself with the military-industrial state and attacked by proxy the Soviet people's republic." I was stunned. I always thought that Orwell was a Progressive and a fellow Socialist. By the way, I'm 25 years old.

Confused in Dull

Dear Confused,

You're too young to remember, but the fall of the Soviet Union resulted not only in a complete literary revisionism in the United States, but also a reflective reassessment in the Dada-Anarchist community. Remember that the Bolsheviks co-opted not only the revolutionary oeuvre of the Mensheviki, but also the deconstructionist tendencies of the anti-emperial revolt. The Tsar was essentially a Western puppet, propped up for the purpose of exploiting the mineral resources of Siberia, making Russia, by default, a colonial extension of the Western monetarists.

I firmly believe that had the Mensheviks succeeded in retaining power after the March, 1917 revolution, we would have avoided the fiasco that resulted when the world was presented with the appearance of a worker's revolt in the following November, but instead, merely regained the tools of the emperial state, along with instruments of torture and an extensive prison system (which, keep in mind, was developed decades before Stalin seized power from the Politburo).

By 1951, all pretense of revolutionary fervor had disappeared from the Communist Party's talking points, and with the disappearance of a two-party system, the completion of media consolidation, and a series of compliant "colonies," the last vestige of a free society--decent literary criticism--also vanished.

So, I can safely say that your copies of the Lityurnaya Gazetta are probably worthless. You might try putting them up on Ebay, however. Just the other day, I saw a copy of a 1885 edition of The Wealth Of Nations that sold for $1.50.

Joan

Dear Joan Crawford,

What's on your CD player today?

Music-Lover

Last week I picked up a second-hand copy of the EP, There's A Dyke In The Pit, at my local head shop, and it's been on non-stop rotation since. Special faves are "Suck My Left One" by Bikini Kill, and I was very happy to find a very good track by 7 Year Bitch, "Dead Men Don't Rape." My roommate took my only copy of Sick 'Em last year when she was deported.

Joan

Let's Ask Joan Crawford!

Your ever-humble alt-blogger is determined to add value to your blogging experience. I'm sure that you're like me--overall, you are satisfied with your blogging experience, and the hours you invest in this enterprise, but admit it--occasionally you tell yourself, "My blogging experience could be better."

Go on, fess up. Blogging is so last year. Why else would I be jumping on the bandwagon?

What to do?

Well, of course--an advice column!

Submit your questions now! I promise that they will be read by a team of professionals. We guarantee guerrilla advice.