Let's Ask Joan Crawford! Psychic attack problem
It's Friday! Which means it's "Ask Joan Crawford" day! Due to extended loafing of our editor last week, who was busy photographing Mexican lizards, we have a bag full of questions for our favorite deceased Marxist movie star. Here is the best:
From Affleckted in Winsor, Ontario, comes the following:
Dear Joan Crawford,
I am a victim of psychic attack. It's a long story, but the gist is that I discovered that someone was secretly living in my house for five years, without my knowledge. Now, I know, you are probably wondering, "How can someone live in your house for five years without your knowledge?" He did it by communicating with me telepathically the entire time. At first, I thought it was the dog catcher, but then I began to detect a criminal aura. Just to clarify, we never had sex. This would be contrary to my moral beliefs. He finally left at my insistence, but he has since been reading my mind during random hours of the day. Is there any way for me to prevent this? I am seeking to live a righteous life, and I fear that he is trying to find out what lottery numbers I plan to play.
Affleckted in Winsor
Dear Affleckted,
Surprisingly, your question is quite common, and I have often asked it myself, when I have noticed fewer drinks in my bar than I recall purchasing the week before. One night I went for my decanter of Crown Royal and discovered that the contents had been replaced with unsweetened tea. What's up with that?
In any case, my first recommendation is to have a shamanistic cleansing ritual, particularly if you have not participated in a dream quest and identified your totem. The ritual should be performed by a medicine man or shaman who has been properly initiated. A second medicine man should probably be present, in case the first becomes incompacitated.
The second solution is to divest yourself of all your possessions. Property is theft--not just an invitation to theft, but an *incitement* to the liberation of your capital. It is this sort of economic disparity that is the root of criminal behavior. In an ideal socialist state, there is no greed, no theft--because all possesions are communal.
Third, and this is very important--Take a good look at this supposed criminal. Ask yourself--Is he real? Or is he a projection of my worst fears? If he is real, youthful, attractive, strong--send him to me.
Joan Crawford
From Affleckted in Winsor, Ontario, comes the following:
Dear Joan Crawford,
I am a victim of psychic attack. It's a long story, but the gist is that I discovered that someone was secretly living in my house for five years, without my knowledge. Now, I know, you are probably wondering, "How can someone live in your house for five years without your knowledge?" He did it by communicating with me telepathically the entire time. At first, I thought it was the dog catcher, but then I began to detect a criminal aura. Just to clarify, we never had sex. This would be contrary to my moral beliefs. He finally left at my insistence, but he has since been reading my mind during random hours of the day. Is there any way for me to prevent this? I am seeking to live a righteous life, and I fear that he is trying to find out what lottery numbers I plan to play.
Affleckted in Winsor
Dear Affleckted,
Surprisingly, your question is quite common, and I have often asked it myself, when I have noticed fewer drinks in my bar than I recall purchasing the week before. One night I went for my decanter of Crown Royal and discovered that the contents had been replaced with unsweetened tea. What's up with that?
In any case, my first recommendation is to have a shamanistic cleansing ritual, particularly if you have not participated in a dream quest and identified your totem. The ritual should be performed by a medicine man or shaman who has been properly initiated. A second medicine man should probably be present, in case the first becomes incompacitated.
The second solution is to divest yourself of all your possessions. Property is theft--not just an invitation to theft, but an *incitement* to the liberation of your capital. It is this sort of economic disparity that is the root of criminal behavior. In an ideal socialist state, there is no greed, no theft--because all possesions are communal.
Third, and this is very important--Take a good look at this supposed criminal. Ask yourself--Is he real? Or is he a projection of my worst fears? If he is real, youthful, attractive, strong--send him to me.
Joan Crawford
posted by The Reluctant Muse at 4:38 PM
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